Negative Mental Chatter

I’m generally a positive person. Most of the time I’m optimistic and hopeful, but not always. Sometimes my negative mental chatter dominates and it can really bring me down. It makes me worry too much about things. Even though I know worrying is a waste of time and energy, even though I know it can make me unhappy, I’ve still been guilty of doing it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who does. Worrying is like a bad habit I haven’t been able to kick – that is, until now – and I wanted to share this blog post about my recent experience in the hope it helps others.

Last year, I realised just how much I was worrying and how detrimental it was to my wellbeing. With all the challenges I was facing, which I’ve written about in this blog series, I eventually realised the negativity was causing me added stress. It was bad enough I had two chronic injuries to deal with, I didn’t really need more on my plate. However, many of my worries and fears were actually related to my injuries. I had lots of concerns, like how I could continue teaching, how long I’d suffer, what treatment I should have, what would happen if I took a prolonged break, if I’d manage financially and would the business recover. Gradually, it wore me down. It all just became a bit too much. I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t feel like my usual bubbly happy self at all. Finally, I reached a point when I knew I had to do something to change the downward negative spiral that I was on.

One of the first steps I took to turn things around was to try thinking more positively. I realised I had to stop thinking about the worst-case scenario and all the possible things that could go wrong, but instead tell myself that everything will be alright. I wrote a series of positive affirmations, which I read daily, many of which related to the worries mentioned above. Pretty quickly, I started to feel a bit happier. Soon after, my sister recommended turning these affirmations into Conscious Questions – an approach she’d learned from author and international speaker Nicholas Haines (founder of the Five Institute). With this exercise, I realised that telling myself to be positive was not as powerful as believing deeply that good things would happen. By asking questions, it made me really consider the possibilities.

As an example, I’d been worrying about taking a prolonged break from teaching and whether all those attending my classes would return afterwards. My positive affirmation about this was that I needed to let go of the worry about my classes and trust that everything would work out okay. But, by turning it into a question – Why should I not worry about my classes? – and writing it down, I then considered all the reasons and wrote them down too. It was so interesting to observe the thoughts that came to me. I remembered all the lovely supportive messages from my dancers and how understanding they were about my needing to take the time out. I felt reassured a large number would return, when I was able to – after all, they enjoyed my classes and had already returned after the Covid pandemic lockdowns. Plus, I knew that if numbers were low and some people had moved on to other classes, I could advertise again and build the class numbers back up gradually. With a little time and patience, I felt more confident my business would recover eventually.

Going through this process with the things that worried me, across all areas of my life, was so insightful. But, more importantly, it helped to build my confidence. I was feeling so empowered and positive by the end of the exercise. It was the turnaround I needed to help me along my path to recovery. The tricky part was making sure the positivity lasted!

Throughout my life, I’ve been motivated to better understand myself and others by observing, reading and analysing events and people and the ways they’ve impacted me. It’s something I enjoy doing, even if it can be emotionally challenging at times. I’ve often turned to self-help books because I always find them to be so beneficial and last year was no different. There’s usually plenty that resonates with me and I’m always thinking positively whilst reading them. However, when I’m getting on with living my life, challenges always seem to come along and it’s never quite so easy to maintain that positivity. I invariably slip back in to my old ways. But, last year was different.

When I finally took a break from teaching, I had a lot more time. My hunger to learn, about my mind and my body, meant I devoured books like there was no tomorrow. Each book I read led me to another, and so it continued. I felt sure this was the key to my physical and emotional healing and I wasn’t wrong. Even though each book I read had a slightly different focus or approach, they were all more or less saying the same thing. The common thread was basic and easy to understand. Think positively. Be positive. It’s the key to happiness.

There were two books that had a significant impact on me with regards to understanding my negative mental chatter and why I worry so much – The Secret and The Greatest Secret by Rhonda Byrne. The first one I’d even read before, nearly 20 years earlier. This time, it resonated with me in different ways. It’s funny how that happens. I love it when I read or hear something at just the precise moment in time when I need to. It’s like a little sign guiding me forward.

The Secret is all about the law of attraction and how we draw to us what we focus our attention on. I’ve heard this before. There’s a well-known Tony Robbins quote, ‘Energy flows where attention goes.’ The idea is we should focus our attention on what we want in life and not spend time thinking about what we don’t want, as we’re more likely to make those things happen. At first, I wasn’t sure I really bought into the notion that the universe was making things happen, and that if I wanted something, all I had to do was focus my attention on it. It sounded a bit crazy. I was more than a little sceptical. But as I continued to read, I shifted my perspective. What if, in some unexplainable way that I don’t understand, there is some truth in it? What if thinking positively could draw positive things into my life? Wasn’t it worth trying? How great it would be if it were true. How happy I’d be. When I considered the alternative – being negative – it was a no brainer. After all, I don’t want to expect the worse, to be disappointed, angry, sad, miserable, frustrated, jealous or annoyed, or anything else negative for that matter. All those things make me feel stressed, bad and unhappy. They’re certainly not helpful or productive. It’s just like Bobby Darin sings, Don’t worry! Be happy! I realised, I simply had to be open to the possibility it was true and maybe, just maybe, I’d be a lot happier!

So, I continued to read the book, with more openness. I laughed at some of her examples of when our worrying brings about what we don’t want to happen. I knew they were true. There were countless times I’d worry about spilling something on my clean top, or drop something I was carrying, and, surprise, surprise – I’d do exactly what I didn’t want! But I knew it went deeper than this superficial level. I was very aware in the early part of last year I’d been spending too much time worrying about my injuries, and they became worse, not better. I knew there were other times I’d worried about bigger things and they’d happened too.

In Rhonda’s book, it also mentions how we should try to phrase things positively, not negatively. I realised I’d been guilty of doing that quite a bit in the past. I’m sure we all do and just don’t realise it. So, after reading the book, I set about consciously trying to change how I think and speak, starting with the easier things. Instead of saying, I mustn’t forget – because I invariably do – I started to say, I must remember. I’m also guilty of saying, There’s never enough time! and now I remind myself daily, I have more than enough time to do everything I want to do. To avoid disappointment, I choose now to be grateful for everything I have, rather than focusing on what hasn’t gone my way or I don’t have. With relationships, I’m trying to focus on all the good things that make them work well, rather than worrying about the little things that could irritate or annoy me. Funnily enough, it’s all worked quite well so far and I’m much happier.

Now, whenever I start to feel a bit stressed about something or other, it doesn’t take much to make me feel happy and positive again. It’s the simple things like happy memories, my favourite music and getting out in nature that work so well. I’ve also been enjoying mindfulness moments and have started meditating. All have been beneficial in different ways. I’ve come to realise it isn’t about finding time, but making time to relax and enjoy the important things in life.

The biggest challenge has been stopping the worrying, which of course is a way in which I’ve been focusing my attention on what I don’t want. It’s a habit that’s harder to change, but gradually I am. The main difference now is that I’m very much aware of when I’m doing it. Awareness is key. Something I came to appreciate after reading Rhonda’s second book, The Greatest Secret. It’s hard to explain as it was difficult to grasp some of the concepts, but put simply, I realise now that I’m more than my body and my mind, because I’m aware of both. By trying a little exercise, I was able to see what she was trying to explain. You might want to try it for yourself.

I closed my eyes. For one moment, I eliminated all thoughts, feelings and emotions and imagined everything was still. I let my mind be quiet. I was simply at rest – in the present moment. I noticed my breath and nothing else. I was still present. My mind was not running the show. That’s how I became aware of my being. It’s all about awareness. It’s with this greater awareness I’m now able to notice my negative mental chatter and behaviour patterns. I know I can change. I believe we all have the capacity to. We’re changing all the time. All the cells in our body have constantly been regenerating throughout our life. We have new experiences every day that allows us to modify our beliefs. When we’re open minded, the potential for change is possible.

When I became more aware of the different ways in which I was negative, it was quite an eye-opener. I realised just how much I did it, in sometimes small and subtle ways. One of my regular negative habits is to create imaginary situations in my head and have imaginary conversations. They’re usually in response to something someone has said or done to upset me or, I’d anticipate what I think someone is going to say or do. It’s not always with those that I know or love, but might even involve complete strangers. Rather remarkably, in the midst of one of these imagined scenarios, I found myself saying, Stop! This isn’t real! It worked too. I literally stopped the thought process in its tracks and it vanished. Time and time again, it’s worked. It’s like I’m training my mind to stop thinking negatively. What’s even more amazing, I’ve noticed these imaginary situations actually happen far less frequently than they used to.

The big question really is why I have negative thoughts in the first place. Why do any of us? Only when we ask ourselves this can we be fully aware of our problem. It’s like looking at the roots of a tree, digging deep through emotional layers, to find out what limiting beliefs are beneath the surface and affecting so much of what we think, say and do. When we’re aware of the problem we can then potentially let go of all negativity and be happy and free in the present moment.

When I was young, I was influenced by those around me – not just family and friends, but also teachers and society in general. It’s the same for everyone – even our parents. That was an important realisation, as it allowed me to look back with forgiveness and compassion. We’re all just doing the best we can at any given moment based on our experience and limiting beliefs. But the wonderful thing about our beliefs is they’re not fixed or permanent. We can choose to change what we believe as we experience life – if we’re willing to be open to change. This is empowering stuff! We don’t need to be a victim and suffer. We can take control of our lives and how we respond to situations and people. One of my favourite quotes from The Greatest Secret is:

Don't expect people, circumstances, and events to change for you to feel better, because none of them ever will. You'll never be happy if you wait for the world to change according to your desires or your expectations. To change how you feel in any given moment is always an inside job.

I know I’m quite critical of myself and I’ve also received criticism for how I am. I’m pretty sure most of us are similar, otherwise there wouldn’t be as many self-help books published as there are! In the past, I’ve been guilty at different times in my life of saying or believing:

I’m not pretty,

I look ugly when I have spots,

That outfit looks awful on me,

I won’t get a boyfriend if I have short hair,

I’m not attractive if I don’t wear make-up,

I shouldn’t talk too much,

I’m not smart enough,

There’s something wrong with me,

I’m not good enough.

There are probably more, but these ones came to mind first when I thought about it. Gosh! When I look at that list, I think it’s no wonder I’ve been negative in the past. These limiting beliefs have given rise to my worries and fears and affected decisions I’ve made in my life. It’s quite sobering. Boy, we can be tough on ourselves! I wouldn’t dream of saying any of those things to anyone else, so why on earth did I say them to myself or believe they were true? It’s this kind of negative mental chatter that is the most damaging. It can make us feel unworthy of love. Thank goodness, I don’t believe any of those statements now.

A long time ago, I distinctly remember reading the advice that we should be our own best friend. It’s so true! I know it’s something I need to remind myself every now and then and I don’t think I’m alone. How many times have you said to yourself, Well done! Good job! That’s so kind! You look great! If you’re anything like me, not many, I imagine. A bit of self-love is important for us all, along with forgiveness and kindness. Sometimes, I think I’ve been able to forgive others more readily than I’ve been able to forgive myself. I also can’t help but feel, if there were more kindness in the world, I’m sure it would be a much better place.

I have to say, now that my eyes have been opened and I’m more aware of my negative mental chatter, I’ve managed to make lasting change in my life. I’m so much happier and more positive, which brings me to my final thought. Positivity is infectious! People like it and are drawn to it. Even a smile has the power to lift the spirits of someone else. On the flip side, negativity can be draining. Not only can it bring yourself down, but others too. Misery may love company, but when you’re feeling positive and happy, you don’t really want to be around someone who is miserable!

For much of last year, I didn’t really want to see friends because I wasn’t in a great place. I didn’t want to burden others or bore them with the challenges I was facing. But, I didn’t hide away completely. I saw a lot of the two people I rely on most for love and support - my sisters. It was only when I was feeling more positive and on the up-curve did I start seeing friends again. I remember meeting up with one particular friend who admitted to me afterwards how reticent she’d been about seeing me that day. She had her own worries at the time and in her current state of mind, she wasn’t sure she could handle me feeling low. At this point, she didn’t know I’d turned a corner and was much happier. Apprehensively, she agreed to meet up and certainly wasn't expecting the bundle of energy that turned up on her doorstep that day. I was on such a high - upbeat and positive about life. She found it infectious. We chatted for ages about what we’d both been going through and I shared some of the insight I’d gained from what I’d read and the alternative therapists I’d seen. By the end of the visit, she said how much more motivated she was. It felt so good to know that my positivity was helping her and it lifted me further.

That day reminded me how sharing our experiences in life can really help others. That was why I wanted to share this blog series in the first place. It was a big step for me to be so open and honest, but I don’t regret it at all. In doing so, I’ve received some lovely positive feedback, which has been so encouraging. It’s made me very happy. Ultimately, sharing gives us great strength and confidence to face life’s challenges, when we know we’re not alone. It’s important to remind each other we have the power to change. Our happiness is in our hands.

I've been on such an exciting journey of self-discovery these past few years. I feel so empowered by the knowledge I can heal myself by thinking more positively. Of course, negative thoughts do still occasionally invade my mind, but I'm aware of it more now, so I'm able to remind myself to stop being so negative. I'm sure, in time, it will happen less and less. I’m learning to love myself and be happy within. I feel a greater sense of fulfilment, being true to myself. Only now, do I truly and deeply feel ready for whatever lies ahead. A large chapter of my life has ended and a new one is beginning. I’m optimistic and hopeful, like I’ve never been before. I’m positive my future will be great!

See first post in this series...